This week has been pure laziness. I have no energy, no motivation no desire to do anything. What I have been good at doing is NOTHING lol. I know its important to relax but I just don't feel myself especially with my work load. I feel so guilty not doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I have been wanting to pivot my business but I'm just lost on how which is why I've just haven't done anything especially with how I feel. I am so stressed which caused my anxiety to increase again. I am trying my best to change the narrative in my head from fear to happy but this shit is fucking hard. I am doing all the things to grow and be better I just have to follow instructions and have patience. Overall im ok because I know it could be worse. Thankfully with the detox shakes and supplements I am not experiencing anything new thus far just the anxiety, depression, mood swings, and dry skin which is improving. I no longer have night sweats but when I speak on calls or present I am dripping in sweat. I still dont have a period or libido and I continue to have vaginal dryness. FUCK I just want one thing to resolve but I know its only been 49 days and it can take up to 6 months to a year for me to feel like myself again. Lord give me patience.
My week in review
Today I am extremely tired and was tempted to stay home but I got my ass up because I need the car to go to my acupuncture Appointment. My body has been severely fatigued and sore not sure why honestly because my workouts are the same. My anxiety is still up and down throughout the day. Still focusing on as much self care as I can. I’m still unable to really focus on work. I feel overwhelmed and scatter brained through this journey as if there is this dark cloud following me. I’m really trying to stay away from anything that triggers me to be sad or angry but on a positive note Yesterday I did eat more than usual so hoping my appetite continues to improve. I have not experienced anything new. Still don’t have a libido or my period back. My fertility monitor still is not getting a true reading but I’m staying patient well at least trying lol. I honestly can’t wait until that shit says something other than fluctuating.
I’m just an emotional moody mess. In minutes my attitude can change from chill to angry. Lately I have been letting things get the best of me. I have to learn to control my thoughts and hold my tongue even when I am right. This hormones imbalance truly makes you feel like a different person. Even thought it’s been an extremely hard 5 weeks off the pill I’m very grateful that I decided to embark on this journey because I know soon I’ll have total control of my body. As far as my fertility tracker I am ovulating but my temp doesn’t stay high long enough to even support a baby. My hormones drop drastically. Rajohn and I are not trying at this current moment we just want my body to normalize first. Conceiving with screwed up hormones turns into a miscarriage. It’s important to repair and heal your body after birth control in order to have a healthy pregnancy and baby in the future. Other than my moodiness and anxiety all is well. Grateful for no new symptoms but what I am impatient with is still not having my libido, period and vaginal dryness. I can’t wait to regain that back.
Yesterday I had an extremely low energy day. I just felt so weak, sluggish and tired all day. I really been feeling like a slug 🐌 unable to get focused and do the shit I need to do. I really need to make a doctors appointment to draw some labs and see where my hormones are but after my privacy was violated by a girl who went to my church i just have fears of going to anyone right now especially Temple. I am very particular when I choose doctors so now I have to find a new one or just wait until I can afford the doctor I really want which is a naturopathic doctor. I honestly need to stop waiting and just get these labs drawn because it’s important to know in order to supplement the right way. I hate having these low moments they make me feel lazy and ever since getting off my BC I have not been productive and my business is just left in the back burner. Now that it’s February I’ll be getting my shit together because i hired a mentor to help me stay accountable with creating my new course. Praying these low days go away soon and my horrible cravings too.
I just have such a bad snappy attitude that I feel like I have no control of. I go from 0 to 100 and I honestly hate that things get to me and effects me in such a big way. I’m trying so hard to hold back my tongue when things bother me or people just annoy the shit out of me. It seriously is my hormones and I really need to work on not letting people or situations get the best of me. I have the remain positive and joyful throughout this journey. I’m hopping February is a better month emotionally. I really need to put my head down and focus on my next project for my business one just been so not in the mood to hustle but a girl got dreams that she needs to accomplish so I’ll get my shit together this week hopefully lol. Pray for me this shit is so hard to deal with.
I’m feeling so bloated right now. Yesterday I barely ate and was extremely bloated for no fucking reason. I eat I’m bloated I don’t eat I’m bloated. It’s so fucking frustrating. I can’t wait until my hormones and gut gets their shit together because it’s mentally screwing with me right now. I just want to cry from frustration. I can’t wait to feel good and look like myself 😭. Fuck birth control 😭🖕🏼ok I’m fine venting. This week I’m going to really have to be miserable and stop snacking to see if it helps my stomach. I’ve only been snacking with popcorn and quest cookies but right now my body just can’t handle shit. It will be extremely hard because my cravings are through the roof but I just have to suck that shit up to help my stomach and this journey because I really just feel uncomfortable, miserable and not happy at all. I know it’s bad to say it out loud because I’m bringing it into existence but it’s my reality. I hope this week is a good one because I really need to also get my shit together for my business 😭 but all I want to do is sleep.
Been so tired lately decided to stay home today and do cardio at home. This darkness and rain always puts me in a lazy mood. Yesterday was an ok day. I ate 2 meals still with no big appetite but it was day 1 of no snacks and I did well. The jade part is the weekends. Surrender Yoga is really helping to calm my anxiety down too. Thankfully it hasn’t been as bad as before. I am still focusing a lot on self care and going with the flow vs being so stressed following a todo list. I am still taking my detox shake and supplements. My body hasn’t experienced anything new so far and I’m grateful for that..I just can’t wait until my energy comes back though. Its hard to stay motivated when you are physically feel tired.
I’m so frustrated with myself to be honest. Getting of my BC has been physically and emotionally draining. My anxiety has caused so many negative thoughts and fears towards my life. I’m trying to quiet these voices but it’s hard when in reality you don’t feel your best. I’ve been procrastinating everything and honestly have not done much work for weeks now but at least I can say this week I’m controlling my cravings and have not snacked for 2 days and ate at least 3 meals yesterday. I’m trying to stay hopeful I just can’t wait until I’m out of this funk.