Do you know someone who attempted suicide? Now you do.
If you are triggered by this please don’t read on.
I’m finally ready to share my story because I feel like god is tugging at my heart and I’m also tired of others thinking they have been in my shoes because I have not opened up to what has happened to me. I know that may have been rude to say but because I am postpartum many people think my issues relate to other moms who are struggling and as you read on you will understand. After delivering my daughter 6 weeks early from Covid/preeclampsia I suffered with high blood pressure that hospitalized me for a week after my daughter was born. I was in the hospital by myself and wasn’t allowed to see or hold my daughter for 10 days. These events drove me to experience an anxiety I never experienced before that I seeked help with pharmaceuticals because I wanted to breastfeed and was advised not to use natural routes like I normally do. My mind was cloudy at the time and all I wanted was to feel better for my family. I was put on gabapentin which is a nerve pain/seizure medication. Why the hell would they give this to a new mom with anxiety Idk that’s another story to tell. My decisions were made out of fear and I honestly didn’t know how bad this drug was. I started to take it and to be honest it didn’t work for me but I kept taking it because I was more focused on getting off my blood pressure meds. I now know that I had a sign to get off but I ignored it thinking it was “baby blues” After a month I was able to get off all bp meds so that’s when I decided I wanted to also stop gabapentin. Within 2 days I felt dizzy and nauseous so I called my primary care and was told to follow a schedule that I now know was completely wrong. This was January 30th within days I started to experience tingling feet/head with very high bp that drove me to the emergency room on February 10th. I was told I was having a panic attack but I knew it was withdrawals from this medication. They drew some labs, told me to talk to a psychiatrist and sent me home. I went to see another primary care and she was very surprised that this medication was doing this so she blamed it on postpartum anxiety and depression and prescribed me Xanax and told me to see psych and other doctors for my heart and brain . I didn’t want to take the Xanax so I decided I was going to stop breastfeeding so I can go back to using medical marijuana thinking that these withdrawals would subside. I tried cannabis and for the first time in my life it backfired on me. It either didn’t work at all or it gave me even more tingling and palpitations. The next day I told my husband I wanted to kill myself and told him to take me to friends hospital. I wasn’t admitted but I got scared and just to take care of my daughter I started to take the Xanax and still taper the gabapentin. After maybe 2 weeks on Xanax it stopped working and the tingling in my head and feet didn’t go away. Plus my heart was pounding out my chest and I havnt slept even an hour for about 2 months. if this was a panic attack it wouldn't last 24 hours 7 days a week. I was going to see all types of holistic doctors and trying supplements but everything seemed to make me feel worse. Any professional doctor I would see blamed all my symptoms on anxiety, depression or pospartum. My head felt like it was going to explode it was on fire like acid being poured on me. My feet tingled so badly and I have not slept in months. I had joined a support group of others withdrawing from gabapentin and Xanax and learned I was in full blown withdrawals from both medications because I was tapered off wrong. I lost all hope especially learning that nothing would help but time and that is if I was lucky to even recover. I looked at my husband and daughter and just felt like I was a burden. That I wouldn’t be able to be the mom I wanted to be because I felt like I was dying everyday. I thought about killing myself everyday and April 1st I had a plan and went through with it. I took a full bottle of gabapentin, Xanax and a few labetalol. Because of god I’m here to tell the story. My daughter woke up earlier than usual and my husband woke up and found me and immediately called 911. I was in the hospital for a week and was treated like a drug/psych patient. No doctor listened to me and I had to fight to get certain test to get done because I felt like everything in my body was shutting down. I then was transported to a psych center for 2 days and for the first time a doctor listened and told me gabapentin and Xanax are 2 very dangerous drugs. I would never prescribe them to anyone especially a postpartum woman who is already sensitive to chemicals. He asked if I thought about attempting again I said no even though I did have those thoughts because I just wanted to be released to see my husband and daughter. I also knew he wouldn’t be able to help me with my symptoms and he knew it too. I came home April 7th and have been fighting for my life ever since. July 18th I had a hypnosis session and she told me the body can heal from anything and that all I needed was to quiet my brain. I’m like this lady is crazy but what else do I have. She told me to just push myself to be back to normal and that my body would just heal. Since that day I got back on social media and I’ve pushed myself to do many things I have absolutely no desire or strength to do. It’s been 6 months of complete hell and I’ve only seen very little progress.
Today I’m still suffering with burning head, tingling hands and feet, ringing in my ears, extremely sensitive skin that makes touching things feel yucky. My heart races when I stand and walk that causes me to lose my breath. My skin burns at times and I get a weird rash if I’m out in the sun. I’m always cold especially my feet. I don’t sleep or nap. I have a poor appetite and can’t eat things I use to. I have other symptoms but these are the biggest. I am extremely depressed with anxiety because of this and it’s certainly not postpartum or covid related. I don’t know what silence is anymore. I don’t know what a good nights rest is or how it feels to not have a tingling body. I don’t know what normal skin feels like anymore. I just don’t know what a normal body feels like and that makes me depressed. Recently I was contacted by my father and if you know anything about him he’s never really been in my life. So when he tried to contact me again I was like there is no way in hell I wanted to talk to him. This was NOT the year to try to come back in my life but after my pastor Josiah prayed with me he told me I had to forgive and move on. So I gave him a chance and heard what he had to say. He said many things but the reason why he could not be around his daughters was because his girlfriend made him stay away. I always knew this and always said what a fool but he also said he went to a spiritual healer and they stated that she has been doing black magic on him and his 2 daughters. I dont know if you believe in this or go to psychics but in my past I have seeked answers from psychics and they have always told me I had this like a bad omen around me and thats the reason why I dont fully succeed at things. So when he told me this I wasn’t shocked but I became angry that a father that has never been in my life that now I get to suffer his consequences while now he feels he’s been freed. As I seek answers from GOD and pray daily for him to heal me or give me relief I felt that I needed to just be closer to god and decided to trash all my crystals, sage and anything that had to deal with spirituality. Many may ask why because I know many of my friends love this stuff but before this happened to me I felt a tug in my heart that I had to trash it and after talking to my pastor it was just confirmation that these items that I loved was just filled with bad energy caused by satan. I honestly dont want to believe that this woman did whatever she did and caused me to have such a traumatic horrible year of my life. I thought all that stuff was fake and in the movies so I dont know what to believe but do know that my sister and I have had a very hard year so sometimes I believe it. Anyway after having this conversation with my dad I told him I forgave him and I just need to move on and find a solution to heal. I also told my mother all things I was holding on to that I needed to tell her. I forgave my sister and talked to my husband about that horrible day that he almost lost his wife. I felt like I needed to do all of that and I dont know why but im no longer holding back anything. There are a few more people I still need to talk to but right now its not important. Sadly those who knew about this rarely check up on on me now because maybe many think I should have healed already or go to a doctor. Many people that I thought were close friends didnt even check on me and people that I least expected texted even when I ignored them. No one understand whats im dealing with and battling everyday. My body is NOT mine in such a different way. I know many new moms go through this tough time learning there body but again this is NOT postpartum so please stop telling me you have been where I have been if you have not been on the meds I have been on.
I’m now in the state of riding this out because no doctor can help me. I’m tired of doctors saying it’s in my head or my depression. Doctors who do want to help suggest things that may make me worse due to my very sensitive body and I refuse to even trust pharmaceuticals anymore. God is my protector and if I have any chance to heal from this I believe he will guide me with the help of my pastor Josiah, my dear friend Jessica and my family.
So there is my story I don’t tell this story for you to feel sorry for me I tell my story because I think god wanted me to share it no matter how hard it is for the world to know what happened to me. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I tried to end my life especially when I see post stating suicide is selfish. No one knows what a person is going through when they decide to end things. I thought my family would be better off even though I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the symptoms to go away and be normal again. I didn’t wanted to live this way and I didn’t want my daughter to see her mom as this sick angry person. If you got this far thank you for reading and now I hope you have some understanding to why I keep saying what I’m going through is totally different. Being a néw mom is hard enough no one deserves to go through something traumatic like this and I pray my story can help a pregnant woman or postpartum mom to make a better decision when it comes to anxiety and depression. Becareful what you put in your body. Not all doctors have your best interest at heart. Be your own advocate 🖕🏼big pharma. There are many holistic ways to manage mental health that doesn't cause harm to your body. I hope me sharing this story doesn't make you feel any different about me then you did before. I am still fighting to be strong. I hope this story reminds you to enjoy every moment in your life and to never complain about the small stuff. If you are struggling and having suicidal thoughts do please seek help in the way you want and need to be helped. Suicide hotline 800-273-8255